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I saw an old magazine cover this week, a Valentine’s Day issue, featuring couples in their senior’ years. I’d guess the average age was about 70.

You know those black and white vertical strips of photos you get from old fashioned photo machines? That’s what these were like.

Each strip showed three photos of the couple—one of them side by side, the next one of them kissing, and the last one of them smiling as they looked into each other’s eyes.

It was sweet. It was how I wished every Valentines story would end—fifty years down the road, having weathered it all, and more in love than ever before.

It takes real commitment to make it happen. Fifty years ago, when these couples wed, that was the expectation. They took the “’til death do us part”’ section of their vows seriously. It was nice to see that some of us actually managed to see it through.

If you’re in a love relationship, or hope to be, the key to making it last is appreciation. Did you know that?

Couples who stay together say five times as many positive statements to each other as negative ones. They tell each other what they honor and respect and like about each other. They thank each other for everyday acts of consideration.

If you’re not in a love relationship with someone, you can still learn from that 5:1 rule. It works for friendships as well, and it works for your relationship with yourself.

In fact, learning to appreciate yourself is one of the big keys to emotional and spiritual growth.

A lot of us spend a lot of time beating ourselves up, pointing out to ourselves how we don’t measure up. My advice? Cut that out!

Kindness starts at home, and that means it starts with you being kind to you. Even to the parts of yourself that you don’t especially like. In fact, especially to those parts. They’re the parts that most need love if they’re ever going to heal.

So you say to them, “Crabby part? I love you because you hold such high standards about the way things should be.” Or, “Painful part? I love you because you’re crying so hard for my attention “ Or, “Ugly part? I love you because you’re an expression of me, and I’m lovable, even if I thought that I wanted to be different.”

Say “Hi, Beautiful!” to yourself in the mirror and mean it—because it’s true. Thank your fingers and toes and nose and knees for all they do for you.

Take time as you tuck yourself in for the night to appreciate all you managed to accomplish. Acknowledge the work you did, and the way you enjoyed yourself, and the services you performed, and the kindnesses you bestowed.

Thank yourself for you endurance and persistence. Thank yourself for your good intentions. Love the parts of you that were hurt or offended and comfort them; give them the love that they didn’t get anywhere else.

Commit to being your own best Valentine. And then pass the love along. I bet you five to one it will make your life sweeter and open the way to living happily ever after.

Warmly,
Susan

^{Image by Tung Lam from Pixabay}

Whether you’re trying to improve a relationship, get to the gym more often, finish that report, or clean out the garage, one of the keys to achieving your goals is remembering your best self—the you that you aspire to be.

The things we’re aiming to achieve, after all, are a reflection of the values we hold and the traits we want to express. Maintain a focused intention on those things and watch the barriers to achieving them melt away.

Here’s a simple two-step process you can use to move more easily toward any goal.

Identifying Who You Want to Be

First, think about what you’re hoping to get from achieving your goal. Ask yourself the classic “WIIFM” question: What’s in it for me?

Even when the result you’re aiming for is represented by something tangible, like that finished report or that clean, organized garage, what you really want is the feeling that you lived out a value that you hold in high regard. You want the experience of holding the mindset or attitude that the process of achieving your goal asks of you.

Suppose, for example, that you want to improve your relationship with your partner who has been irritating you lately. What mindset or attitude could you adopt that might smooth things out? Who do you really want to be when you relate to her? Someone who is more patient, maybe? More caring? More empathic? More cheerful?

Imagine setting an intention to express those traits. Imagine how it would feel being that person in your relationship. Imagine how your partner would respond to a person like that.

Or suppose you have to work on an assignment that you’ve been putting off. Who would you have to be to dive into it? What traits could you express? More curiosity? Keener interest? A heightened sense of responsibility? More inventiveness?

No matter what you’re aiming to achieve, your goal is asking you to focus on being who you need to be in order to achieve it.

When you identify the traits you want to use and develop a focused intention to live them in your daily life, they will carry you toward your goal. It’s just a matter of remembering who you want to be—and step two, below, will show you how to remember.

Focused Intention

The second step in remembering who you want to be is creating a focused intention using a simple practice called the PARK technique. It firmly anchors your intention to live out the traits you want to express, and doing it takes only a minute or two.

Begin by choosing two or three traits you think will work best for accomplishing your goal. Then say to yourself, preferably out loud, “My intention is to be ___________ and _________ .”

Next, take a couple minutes to close your eyes and remember a time when you felt each of them and let yourself experience that feeling as fully as you can.

Feel a little smile on your face and, as you feel your first intended feeling, say its name while you tap the heart region of your chest three times—“Capable. Capable. Capable.” Then do it with the next feeling.

Great! You have created your focused intention.

 Next, you activate and strengthen it daily.

First, as soon as you wake in the morning, before you get out of bed, remember your intention, repeating the traits to yourself.

Second, as you go through your day, do the PARK exercise below to reinforce and nurture it. (A great way to remember it is to do it on the hour, or to do it before each meal.) Here’s how:

P – Pause in whatever you are doing, momentarily setting it aside.

A – Become Aware: Allow yourself to become fully aware of the present moment. Do a quick body-scan, and let go of any accumulated tension.Allow the muscles of your face, neck,shoulder and back to soften and relax.

Then notice the data your senses are bringing you: What are you seeing? Hearing? Smelling? Tasting? What is your skin feeling?

Next, do a quick review of all you have accomplished in the past hour and acknowledge yourself for it.

You can do all of this very effectively in a matter of a 10-15 seconds. If you can take a full 30 seconds or even a minute or two with it, luxuriating in the richness of the moment, you’ll find it especially refreshing.

R – Remember: Briefly touch your heart center as you mentally repeat the traits you want to embody – “Efficient; Focused; At Ease.” – allowing the feeling of your intentions to be in your awareness for a moment. Know that the feelings are alive within you and gently guiding you. (If you’re in a public situation and uncomfortable touching your heart center, simply turn your attention to your heart.)

K – Keep on Task: Return your attention to the task at hand or with the next one on your list.

That’s it! Choose two or three traits as vehicle for reaching your goal, install your intention to be immersed in them, do a morning reminder when you wake and practice PARK as you go through your day.

My coaching clients love this exercise, by the way. I hope you’ll give it a try and experience the well-being and success that it can bring you as you move toward your goals.

Wishing you delicious intentions!

Warmly,
Susan

^{Image by Natalia Lavrinenko from Pixabay}

Ruth was worried. I don’t remember what it was exactly, some bout of illness. It was pulling her into a pit of fear. Then one day, the mail brought a card from a friend.

“Look what I got!” she said, retrieving the flower-decked card from the table to show me. “Look what it says!”

She held it up and read it to me with a great big, excited grin. “You are stronger than anything life brings your way.”

“That’s just what I needed to hear!” she said.

Somebody cared. Somebody sent her a reminder. And it made all the difference in her world.

You can find a lot of messages in that little story. Pick the ones that speak most directly to you.

For me, it was the message that we all need encouragement. We all want to know that someone cares about us, believes in us, and sees our strengths.

We’re living in uncertain times, in a world smeared with conflict and confusion. Threats to our safety and well-being assail us from every direction. The demands of everyday living eat up our energy, leaving us drained and weary at the end of the day. It’s hard to be at peace.

But here are some reminders for you, some things I know about you, even if we’ve never met. I send them to you as if I were sending you a fine greeting card . . .

You are stronger than anything life can throw at you.
You are free to chose who you will be, and how you will respond to things.
You have skills and talents you can use and grow.
You can think.
You can create.
You have a great laugh.
You strive to be more patient with others and with yourself.
You follow the good examples of people you admire.
You have a generous and compassionate heart.
You spend time with those you love.
You do your best to do your best, even on the bad days.
You notice nature’s beauty.
You find rewards in extending kindness to others.
You spread cheer with your smile.
You give of your time.
You share your abundance.
You appreciate life’s gifts.
You aim to find the good in every situation.
You see the goodness in others, and in yourself.
You increasingly accept responsibility for your life, for your emotions, thoughts and actions.
You enjoy learning about things that interest you.
You dream of a better world for all.
And you are, whether you know it or not, deeply and truly loved.

Wishing you peace and renewal, and a beautiful day.

Warmly,
Susan

^{Image by scym from Pixabay}

I heard a song about this past week’s assassination of Charlie Kirk titled, “The Shot Heard Round the World.”

I believe it was just that.

Let me start by saying I didn’t see or hear Charlie often. But I gauged him to be a decent fellow. Wholesome looking, family man, bright and articulate with a relaxed and friendly confidence that gave him charisma.

If you never heard of him, he’s a guy who went around to university campuses all over the country to talk with students about anything they wanted to talk about.

He drew huge gatherings. News of him spread, primarily among young adults, all around the world.

His views have been labeled many things, depending on who’s doing the labeling.

He talked openly about his Christian faith, his love for his family and for his country. He valued the vision of the nation’s forefathers as expressed in the Constitution. He could tell you why if you asked, and he could explain what he thought comfortably, plainly, with a touch of humor here and there.

He didn’t argue. He just listened carefully to you, so he could understand how things looked from your point of view.

He’d respectfully ask you questions about your thoughts and show you where they differed from how he saw things and why. That was his mode of operation. An open conversation so you could each understand the other, for real, not from some preconceived assumptions.

Of course, with the world being as it – so many cats with their claws out and all this scrappin’ going on – some folks didn’t like Charlie’s point of view at all. It totally disagreed with their own views. To them, his views were toxic and divisive. They decided it was “a threat to our democracy” to let him continue to influence all these young minds. He had to be silenced.

But he wouldn’t be silenced. Regardless of what threats and pressures were brought to bear, he kept speaking. He was growing more and more widely known. Word of his thoughts, of his courage and perseverance were spreading everywhere.

Then he was shot. With a bullet built to kill a grizzly, right there in front of his wife, his three-year-old daughter, his 16-month-old son. Right there in front of the whole world

It was this generation’s JFK moment. A man who inspired them had been fatally shot. This man who gave them a sense of clarity in the midst of a world of danger and confusion, who brought them ideals to strive for in what had seemed to them a meaningless world, this man was dead.

On Friday, his wife, whose courage matches Charlie’s own, made a statement saying to those who tried to silence him, “You have no idea what you’ve unleashed.”

Judging from comments pouring in from across the globe, I think she’s right. People will no longer remain silent about what they believe to be wrong, about what they believe to be right.

Charlie’s voice will not be silenced, his example will not be dimmed. He will speak through all who will openly express their own understanding about what they see as beautiful, good, and true. Even if their views are controversial or differ from their neighbor’s. Maybe especially then. We owe it to ourselves, and to each other, to claim our unalienable right to do so freely.

Personally, I plan to follow Charlie’s lead. I, too, believe that the only way to peace between us all is through free and respectful conversation.

Free speech is the hill on which I will forever stand. If we cannot speak freely, we are not free.

So yes, I’ll join in the swelling chorus: I am Charlie Kirk now. I am Charlie Kirk.

Warmly,
Susan

^{Image by Gerd Altmann from Pixabay}

I was sorting a stack of books this week when I ran across a little gem that i had forgotten— One Small Step Can Change Your Life: The Kaizen Way. It was all the rage in management circles when it came out in 2004. Now it seems to have slipped from view.

That’s too bad. It packs a lot of wisdom.

In fact, I wholeheartedly agree with this review from the book’s back cover by psychologist Dr. Susan Jeffers: “This is a wonderful, very readable book that describes a peaceful and simple way of handling all the difficulties in our lives. You will breathe a sigh of relief as you read it.”

That’s a pretty big claim, but I believe its absolutely true. In short, Kaizen is a technique for change that originated in Japan that promotes the art of taking small steps,

It demolishes the obstacle I call “Looking at the Mountain” that leads to nothing but overwhelm and procrastination.

The “mountain” can be anything at all that you would like to achieve, from doing the after-dinner dishes, to starting an exercise program, or changing careers, or getting started at . . .well, anything.

 You look at the task and it just feels beyond your ability to deal with right now. It’s too complicated, or you don’t have the energy or motivation. So you put it aside and feel a little disappointed with yourself. Bummer.

But don’t despair! It’s Kaizen to the rescue! Instead of looking at the whole mountain, Kaizen gently coaxes you to break it down into teeny-tiny pieces and then tackle just the first little piece.

A few years ago I heard a story about this retired guy who spent his time sitting in front of the TV all day smoking and drinking whiskey. True story.

He lived with one of his kids and didn’t have to make his own meals or do his own laundry or anything.

He spent his days like this for about a year, and one day, from the window by his chair he saw the mailman put the day’s mail in the box at the end of the sidewalk. On a whim, he decided to walk out and get the mail.

It felt kind of good to do that and he started to get the mail every day. After a while, he thought he’d see what it felt like to walk to end of the block, and he did that.

Then he started walking around the block. One thing led to another, and he got so hooked on being in motion and exploring the neighborhood that he gave up his smokes and whiskey and started to jog.

Then he tried running and he liked that, too. And two years after he got out his chair to get the mail, he won a seniors’ marathon racing up Pike’s Peak.

That’s what little steps will do for you.

 Once upon a time, that old fellow would have laughed in your face if you told him he’d be running up Pike’s Peak in a couple years. He probably thought he’d be six feet under by then. But he took that one small first step, and it changed his life.

So the next time a task feels like climbing a mountain, ask yourself what tiny first step can you take.

Maybe it’s just getting up from your chair when the next commercial comes on, and then walking to the kitchen when the next one rolls around. Kaizen. It kind of makes a perfect complement to the question “How easy can I let this be?” Don’t you think?

Wishing you sweet little baby steps on your climb.

Warmly,
Susan

^{Image by Pexels from Pixabay}

There’s a little pub I pass in my travels that has a chalk-board sign on the curb outside its door.  On it, the proprietor writes jokes or pokes that make you smile.  It gives the pub a friendly feel and gives passersby a grin. 

Today the chalk board said—

The Bad News: Time Flies.
The Good News: You’re the Pilot.

That was a poke right to my ol’ cerebral cortex, I’ll tell you.  It got me musing about how we experience time in our lives and about whether we really are the pilots.   

I had a pretty big discussion with myself about that last part, and I decided it’s up to each of us to decide whether we’ll accept the role of pilot or leave it to others. 

Think of your life as the craft that you sail to cross this span of time. As the pilot, you can choose to define how you will use your time. You can say that you’re dedicating it, or devoting it, or committing it. 

You can say that you killed it, spent it, squandered, lavished, or invested it. You can label it good or bad. You get to frame it any way you choose. “Choose wisely, grasshopper,” as the Shaolin monk, Master Po, often said,

You can’t stop time’s current, but when you let yourself go with its flow, you can learn to let yourself float on it, like a feather on a stream.

And sometimes you can rise above it entirely, to a dimension where, yes, time exists, but only down there–in the physical world, where it’s part of the planet’s operating system. 

It was designed that way on purpose, this experience of time. It came with the package; it’s part of the learning and fun. It gives us rest and it wakes us. It’s what makes life an adventure. 

Time lets you experience things you’d never feel without it: pressure, anxiety, anticipation, suspense—countless feelings. It lets you plan and make appointments. It obeys a steady measure to help you coordinate with others, to track the miles, to remember the days.

The list of time’s advantages just goes on and on. Without time, there would be no tomorrows or yesterdays, no seasons, no waxing and waning moon.

And you are the pilot riding time’s stream. You get to make the decisions about how you want to navigate, how you want to respond to time’s stretches of turbulence and calm.  

Sometimes it’s easy going and you can cruise on auto-pilot.  But sometimes you want to take control, to make your own decisions.  And sometimes, it’s best to call to the Tower for guidance and advice.

The important thing (especially if your auto-pilot is stuck) is frequently to remind yourself that you are the pilot of this craft. It’s your life.  

May you have a week of excellent choices!

Warmly,
Susan

^{Image by G.C. from Pixabay}

I used to think God put the stars away
on rainy nights to keep them from rusting.
You wouldn’t want rusted stars after all.
Then I thought maybe stars are
just twinkles in God’s eyes.
Now I imagine the whole universe
may be only a dot on a map
in God’s ever-expanding mind.

^{Image by sebastian del val from Pixabay}

Sometimes you stumble across things that remind you of one of the central things you always find worth remembering. Today, for instance, I happened across this poem. . .

Instructions for the Journey*
By Pat Schneider

The self you leave behind
is only a skin you have outgrown.
Don’t grieve for it.
Look to the wet, raw, unfinished
self, the one you are becoming.
The world, too, sheds its skin:
politicians, cataclysms, ordinary days.
It’s easy to lose this tenderly
unfolding moment. Look for it
as if it were the first clear tone
in a place where dawn is heralded by bells.

And if all that fails,
wash your own dishes,
Rinse them.
Stand in your kitchen at your sink.
Let cold water run between your fingers.
Feel it.

It’s that easy, really. A mere shift of attention. A choice to notice that you’re alive, in the very center of this tenderly unfolding moment, bathed in its light and color and motion and sound.

You notice your body—what it’s doing, how it’s positioned, how it feels, what emotions are flowing through it.

For a moment, you might even be startled by the wonder of it, by the reality of breathing, of air itself, and by the fact that you have skin and hands and eyes, all doing miraculous things for you without your even paying them attention,

They don’t last long, these snatches of awareness. We get pulled back into the tasks at hand, into our planning, our figuring out, our memories and goals and dreams. But we had that moment, and it refreshes us somehow.

And all that it takes to have more is a little reminder, some tug, to notice, to pay attention. Because it’s always right here. Whatever you’re doing, whatever you’re feeling, you’re always right here, too, in this moment in time, in this kaleidoscopic, every-changing world.

When you find yourself in one of these moments where your attention shifts to the wonder of it all, to the wonder of the fact that, despite all odds, you’re alive in the very midst of it, thank yourself for noticing. That will teach your brain how nice it is to remind you, from time to time, to notice.

And, as the poet said, if all else fails, wash your own dishes. Watch how your hands know how to move. See the soapsuds. Feel the water.

Say thank you.

Wishing you a week of noticing.

Warmly,
Susan

^{*From The Poetry of Presence, An Anthology of Mindfulness Poems,
© 2017 Phyllis Cole-Dai & Ruby Wilson, editors [God bless them.]
www.graysonbooks.com
www.poetryofpresencebook.com
Treat yourself to a copy. It’s filled with the kind of words you need to hear just when you need to hear them.}

^{Image by eommina from Pixabay}

Want to play a game? Here’s one. Before you get out of bed every morning, spend a little time running a mental movie of yourself going through the coming day. Picture yourself feeling alive, aware, appreciative and calm, doing your routines, the things you’d planned, meeting the unexpected. Consider the game a challenge. Consider it another episode of living in life’s magic.

Know what happens? If you take time actually to play that movie – let’s call it “My Best Self” – every day, you lose the habit of being whoever it is you’ve been practicing being up ‘til now.

Picture yourself easily going with the flow, taking whatever comes along in stride, feeling great, feeling capable, expecting that everything’s going your way, and what doesn’t is okay, and may even turn out to be funny or to reveal a better direction to go.

Add in whatever traits and moods you want. Picture yourself getting great ideas and putting them to work. Imagine you’re full of energy, feeling healthier than you have in a long time.  Imagine yourself grabbing the kinds of foods that you’ve been promising yourself you’d eat—and finding them delicious. Imagine going for a walk on your lunch break, or stopping by the gym on your way home, finding time to watch the sunrise or the sunset or to wrestle with the dog.

Imagine being captivated by your partner, amused and patient with your kids, enjoying your coworkers, loving your friends, noticing all the good drivers on the road during your commute, feeling wondrously grateful just to be alive.

See yourself wearing such a great smile that everyone wonders what you’ve been up to.   

Want to supercharge the movie?  Don’t get up until you actually feel the feelings that you’re imagining your “Best Self” is feeling.  Do it every day.  

Get inspired.  Fire and wire your brain a whole new way.  See how powerful you truly are.

I double dog dare you.

Warmly,
Susan

^{Image by cromaconceptovisual from Pixabay}

While I was at the park this week, I happened across two little girls playing at the edge of the creek. They were putting little pieces of driftwood on the water to watch it float downstream and giggling as they sang “Row, row, row your boat, gently down the stream . . . “

I hadn’t heard that little ditty in years and soon I was humming it myself as I walked along. “Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily. Life is but a dream.”

It got me thinking about one of the phrases I keep in my back pocket to get me through stressful times or to reassure myself when I’m taking on a challenge. I’ve shared it with you before. Maybe you remember: “How easy can I let this be?”

The point of asking yourself to let the challenge before you be easy means that you’re giving yourself permission to relax into it. You’re asking yourself how much you’re willing to allow yourself to be at ease. Things are only difficult or trying for us because we frame them that way, after all. Almost anything can be done with ease if we take it one small step at a time. What’s the old saying? “Inch by inch, anything’s a cinch.”

Giving yourself permission to step into a task gently and with ease is especially helpful when what you’re facing seems unpleasant, or even repulsive or painful. It lets you face the challenge of doing something new or something you’re not sure you can do less daunting. Allowing yourself to let go of the tension of resistance tunes you in to your capabilities. Asking “How easy can I let this be?” turns “I don’t want to” into “I can do this.”

What’s more, it lets you glide into action with a grace that can build momentum for you, and even make the task feel rewarding and satisfying, or if you’re really lucky, fun. There you are, just rowing your boat, one stroke of the oars after another. And sooner or later, you arrive downstream, enriched by the experience. The challenge that loomed so large is behind you, now nothing more than a memory, a dream.

Let me invite you to tuck the phrase in your pocket—“How easy can I let this be?”— and to pull it out the next time you find yourself resisting a challenge. Maybe attach the tune to “Row Your Boat” to it just to give it a bit of flavor. Give it a try. You never know.

Wishing you a week of merrily bubbling streams.

Warmly,
Susan

^{Image by wildercr from Pixabay}