I went for a country drive last week and, on impulse, I took a Pema Chodron CD with me from her True Happiness set. I hadn’t listened to it for a long while, and thought it would be good to hear her gentle wisdom as I drove. She didn’t disappoint.
“If you want to get past something that’s upsetting you,” she said, “stop talking to yourself about it.”
“Amen, Pema!” I said out loud. That is one piece of priceless advice.
Once I saw a man walking down the sidewalk angrily shaking his fists, his face full of rage, shouting at someone who wasn’t even there.
I’ve played versions of that scene myself, although not out in public. I remember a day, decades ago, when my mind was playing a movie about an unfinished argument I had with a friend. I was in the kitchen pouring myself a cup of coffee, all the while spouting out my side of the argument, and I poured one for him, too. Only when I walked into the living room with a coffee in each hand did I realize he wasn’t even there. The whole scene was a product of my imagination!
We all fall into that trap from time to time, playing out unresolved issues in our imaginations. It’s as if we think if we tell the story long enough, we’ll get up the nerve to do something about it, or maybe we’ll come up with the perfect way to get even, or to get the sympathy we want for being so unjustly treated. At least we’ll justify our anger and confirm our opinion that the other guy is a big, stupid jerk.
But the fact is the longer we tell the story, the more energy we give it to rule us. Our hurt and anger don’t dissipate; they build. And we stay stuck in a morass of fiery pain.
It’s not only hurt and anger that fuels our negative story-telling, though. Sometimes what’s upsetting us is guilt, or shame, or fear, or worry. And our story-telling locks us into unsettled past events, or into a frightening “what if” future that’s nothing but make believe.
We can even get locked into story-telling when someone expresses an opinion that’s at odds from our own beliefs. How could she possibly think that! How ignorant!
Whatever the trigger, the story-telling blinds us. It locks us away from the gifts of the present moment and all of its possibilities. It prevents us from viewing the event—whether past or future—from a different angle, from a fresh and open perspective. It keeps us from questioning whether our story is even accurate, or complete, or true.
“Stop talking to yourself about it” is, I know, easier said than done. The trick is to hear yourself doing it, and then to realize that you’re only keeping yourself stuck. The story holds no solutions. It offers no answers. It only perpetuates your misery and keeps you from getting on with your life.
But here’s the good news: there’s always something else you can do instead. Wash the dishes. Go for a walk. Clean the garage. Get in motion. Get to work. Make a decision. Move on. Move into the glistening Now.
Remember: Time is passing. Be awake and alive in it. Because it has so much to offer, and you have so much to give.
Wishing you a week of freedom.
Warmly,
Susan
Image by 愚木混株 Cdd20 from Pixabay