One day, while riding in the car, my teen-age son and I were listening to the radio. Some guy was explaining that we don’t always feel warm fuzzies toward someone we love. “We like each other because,” he said. (Because she made you laugh. Because he did the dishes. You can imagine any “because” you like.) “But,” the radio guy continued, “we love each other anyway.
We love each other even when. That’s because love can embrace even those things in each other that drive us batty, or that conflict with our own cherished viewpoints or beliefs. Liking often can’t go there; it stops at the differences.
My son and I l both laughed over the radio guy’s statement: We like each other because; we love each other anyway. It delighted us, and from that day on we often said to each other, as a kind of affectionate joke, “I love you anyway.”
I thought about that this past week when I ran into a difficult situation with a friend. She was recently diagnosed with a serious medical condition and when she asked me to pick up a certain snack item for her, I said I would feel guilty doing that. I suggested that she might want to make a different choice. And later, I suggested that she see a dietician for help in changing her eating habits so her body could stay as healthy as possible as long as possible.
She told me that she knew I was trying to help, but that it was up to her to choose what she wanted to eat and what she didn’t, and she didn’t want any more of my advice on the subject.
I thanked her for telling me that, and promised that I would respect her wishes. And I will – even though in my belief system, her choices are unfortunate.
It’s not the first time I’d run across this issue. The partner of a friend of mine who is a strong advocate of alternative medicine was recently diagnosed with a life-threatening illness. Her choice of treatment options went against everything my friend believed were in her best interest.
What do you do when someone you love is, in your view, choosing to do things that may cost her life? Things that make you furious, that make you feel helpless, that, according to everything you know and believe, are deadly wrong? Do you abandon your relationship because it’s too painful to see your friend’s choices? Because she’s refusing to accept what you (of course) believe to be superior information?
Nope. You love your friend anyway. You love her enough to honor her free will to make her own choices about her own life.
That doesn’t mean you consent to enable clearly self-destructive behavior. You can draw lines and say what you are unwilling to do. Your free will counts, too. You can talk with each other about your feelings and work to find compromises. You can even do things she requests that you strongly disagree with, telling her you that your respect for her decision doesn’t mean that you condone it.
In essence, it all boils down to the Golden Rule – treating others the way you want to be treated.
Yeah, it gets difficult when you and the other hold strongly conflicting beliefs. You have to face the fact that each of you has plenty of evidence for what you believe, and that, in the end, beliefs are just that.
Whether it’s which foods to eat or not eat, or what political party to support, or what treatment to choose for a medical condition, or what God to believe in or reject – each of us must choose for ourselves. And each of us has the right to expect those who love us to accept our choices – whether they agree with them or not.
Because, in the end, it’s really true. We may like each other because, but we need to love each other anyway. As Jack Kornfield says, “Our time is too precious not to love.”
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Wishing you a week with plenty of liking, and loving it all anyway.
Warmly,
Susan
My husband and I say it..”I love you even though”. It’s an truthful endearment we like to say. What a great place to be, like you make so easy to see in you letter.