Happily Ever After

Whenever I’m lucky enough to find myself walking behind an old couple holding hands, I feel my heart warm and my face smile. This is how I wish every Valentine’s story could end—fifty years down the road, having weathered it all, with a richer love than ever before.

It takes real commitment to make it happen. And it’s nice to see that some of us actually manage to do it.

If you’re in a love relationship, or hope to be, the key to making it last is appreciation. Did you know that?

Couples who stay together say five times as many positive statements to each other as negative ones. They find more reasons to praise and fewer to fault-find. They tell each other what they enjoy and respect and admire about each other. They thank each other for everyday acts of consideration.

If you’re not in a love relationship with someone, you can still benefit from putting the 5:1 rule into practice. It works in all kinds of relationships, and it even works for your relationship with yourself.

In fact, learning to appreciate yourself is one of the big keys to emotional and spiritual growth. A lot of us spend a lot of time beating ourselves up, pointing out to ourselves how we don’t measure up. My advice? Cut that out!

Kindness starts at home, and that means it starts with you being kind to you. Even to the parts of yourself that you don’t especially like. In fact, especially to those parts. They’re the parts that most need love if they’re ever going to heal. So you say to them, “Crabby part? I love you because you hold such high standards about the way things should be.” “Painful part? I love you because you’re crying so hard for my attention.” “Ugly part? I love your uniqueness, and the beauty of you that you don’t see, and the parts that you wish were different.”

Say “Hi, Sweetheart!’” to yourself in the mirror and mean it—because you are one, you know. Thank your fingers and toes and nose and knees for all they do for you. Take time as you tuck yourself in at night to appreciate all that you accomplished. Acknowledge the work you did, the things you enjoyed, the services you performed, and the kindnesses you bestowed. Thank yourself for your endurance and persistence. Thank yourself for your good intentions. Love the parts of you that were hurt or offended and comfort them; give them the understanding that they didn’t get anywhere else.

Commit to being your own best Valentine. And then pass the love along. I bet you five to one it will make your life sweeter and open the way to living happily ever after.

Warmly,
Susan

Image by Marzena P. from Pixabay

First Signs

If you aren’t paying attention to such things
you may not have noticed the mist of faint pink
at the tips of the maples’ twigs. It’s subtle,
this waking. Maples, after all, have deep dreams.
They don’t burst from their sleep all at once.
They simply stretch a bit as the first sap rises
and take on a rosy glow at the taste of it.
(May the glow summon robins!)
This is the start of it, you know – spring,
this time of the waking of the maples.

Making Sand

I saw it all at once, looking down
from the little walking bridge, the whole progression:
Boulder, rock, stone, sand. The whole story
told in this one, small space.
It takes eons. The grinding with nothing
more than friction, much like the bow
on the strings of a cello, but made
of water and wind. Why not?
If you have endless time, why not?

View from the Top of the Ridge

I had no plan to climb this ridge.
I was following a winding brook,
pale gold in the light of winter’s
afternoon sun, when the pines
caught my eye, their soft boughs
green against the faded russet
of their fellow oaks’ fallen leaves.
It’s like that sometimes.
A part of me I cannot name rises
from my center to wordlessly point
the way. I have learned to heed it.
And standing here, on a February day
in the midst of these pines, I know why.

The Silence of the Reservoir

I climb the hill, try to see if they left enough
of the patch where the coltsfoot grows
when they mowed to the slope’s edge.
They had to. It’s where they get water
to fill the pumper truck for fighting fires.
I can’t tell, but I’m betting the coltsfoot
will make a showing just a few weeks from now.
They have a mission, after all.
I smile thinking of them as I reach the top
of the bank and turn to see the cattails,
all fuzzy atop their tall, straight stems,
and the brilliant, still pond behind them,
and the thin, graceful trees. I walk
the hilltop around the reservoir’s edge,
caught by the reflection of the ivory reeds
on the dark teal water. I am alone here.
I hear the silence. No red-winged blackbirds.
No bugs. No frogs. Not even a breeze.
Just this cold, clear winter air, and the sky,
and all this!

Thaw

Take the warmth that melts your heart’s ice
and send love flowing free. Send it over the banks,
past all the boundaries. Send it to all the parched places.
Let it seep into their soil and revive them.
Deny it to no one, to nothing;
love that is conditioned isn’t love at all.
Call to the sun. Ask it to release every frozen bit of you.
Let its blaze teach you fearlessness and joy.

Ordinary Days

Some days, all you can do is keep slogging through.
That’s enough, you know, and valiant in its own way.
Anyone can skip in the sunshine, revel in the colors
of a sunset, join in the drama of a good storm.

It’s the ordinary days, when the color is drained,
and all that’s left to pull you forward is duty,
days where your true measure is made.

On such days, throw kisses to the gray sky anyway.
You’re breathing, after all, and surely that in itself
is a wonder, and a cause for awe and celebration.

Making Points: Some Pointers

I ran across an article recently about the difference it makes in one’s career success to have a good natured personality. People who make other people feel good, it turns out, are not only well-liked, they tend to get compensated with higher earnings, regardless of their skill level. So keep flashing that great smile of yours, and do all those things you need to do keep yourself in tip-top shape. (You know–eat wholesome foods, drink enough water, get enough sleep and keep that body in motion.) You’re so much more fun to be around, after all, when you’re feeling really well.

But even if you’re feeling a bit dragged out, you can still lift others’ spirits. Practice looking someone right in the eyes and telling them something they did well that you noticed. Don’t simply compliment a trait like how nice they look or how smart or strong they are. Instead, specifically mention something that they did well, with efficiency, or thoughtfulness, with attention to detail, or with obvious effort or preparation, or with apparent ease or grace.

Practice on store clerks and waitresses, on your partner, on your kids. According to some recent research in positive psychology, this one skill generates strong positive emotions for both you and the person you noticed. It creates a feeling of genuine human bonding. We all like to be appreciated.

 Just looking someone in the eyes and giving them a sincere smile can lift their mood, too—and yours. When a sincere compliment about someone’s actions doesn’t come readily to mind, practice this as “Step One,” while you work on noticing things that others do well.

A second skill you can practice to increase your value to others is to take time to listen attentively; it’s a rare skill, and it makes other people feel that they’re real for you. In fact, philosopher and theologian Paul Tillich says listening is “the first duty of love.”

Humor and optimism, of course, are fabulous spirit-lifting tools. Keep ‘em tucked in your pocket all the time. They can bring instant perspective and relief to a huge range of situations. You don’t have to be a comedian, just learn to see the humor in everyday life. I’ve found it great fun, especially when it’s one of those days when everybody around you seems a bit crazy, to imagine you’re all characters in a sit-com. It keeps you from getting caught up in the fray, and when you’re lightened-up, it subtly impacts everybody around you. As for optimism, as I wrote a couple weeks ago, just hold yourself open to the possibility that everything may work out just fine.

Notice. Listen. Be of good cheer. That’s the formula. Give it a try. After all, as the poet W.H. Auden said, “We are here to do good to others.” Then he added, “What the others are here for, I don’t know.”

I have a feeling Mr. Auden was well-liked.

Wishing you a generous, spirit-boosting week!

Warmly,
Susan

Image by CreativeMagic on Pixabay

Own Your Own Road

Wherever you are, there you are,
the old man told his grandson.
Own your own road. Be content in its charms.
Feel its endlessness and possibilities.
Just claim it. Say,“Yes, this is mine.
I am who I am, and I’m here.”
There’s no need to excuse or defend,
he said. Others will respect that
and will grant you your due.
They’ll see that the road is a part of your being,
that you belong to it and it belongs to you.
And that is exactly as it should be and is.
And it’s full, my son, and rich, and fine.

The Last Day of Clouds

On the last day of clouds, or at least
that’s what they say, the last day
of this muted masterpiece, I walk
along the edge of the lake at Brady’s Run.
The air is moist and right on the edge
of freezing, so that I am wide awake
and everything is intense and clear,
the colors, the whispers of the lake’s ripples,
of their soft lapping on the shore, the sound
washing between these hills, the high wind in
the cottony clouds, the faint tapping
of the trees’ naked branches. Beyond that,
no sound. Only this symphony of the lake,
and the hills, and the light, and the trees,
On this, the last day, for now, of clouds.